How To Find Your Biological Father Without Knowing His Name

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When I married my husband, he had two grown children and I had none. We both wanted a child together, but my husband was vaccinated after the birth of his second child – too long to change the schedule.

How To Find Your Biological Father Without Knowing His Name

We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband to be a donor. We felt it was the best decision: Our son would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my brother’s health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help.

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Our daughter is now 30 years old. How can we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her younger sister and her “grandson” is her younger brother?

My husband and I are worried, confused and worried about telling him. It’s also difficult for my husband because he wants our daughter to know that he will be her father forever.

I’m happy that you and your husband decided to tell your daughter the truth. When thinking about how to have an honest conversation, remember that there are two truths your daughter will realize at the same time: first, what she calls her brother is her father, and second, what she calls her betrayed parents. for 30 years.

I point out this last one not to criticize, but to prepare you for how your daughter will feel, even if you believe you have good reason to hide the truth. In fact, I’m sure you and your husband kept your daughter’s secret because you thought it would protect her from embarrassment, shame, or public judgment. You may also (consciously or unconsciously) be trying to protect your husband from the fears expressed in your letter: if your daughter knew the truth, she would not consider your husband as her father. like she does now.

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I really sympathize with your situation. When your daughter was born 30 years ago, many parents using a sperm donor were strongly advised by doctors not to share this information with the child based on belief. this secret is better for everyone involved. However, over the years, many children born this way say that, instead of protecting them, the secret made them feel anxious, angry and betrayed.

Carl Jung called secrets “psychic poison,” and secrets can actually make us sick. This applies to all family members: you and your husband who kept the pregnancy a secret; your cousin who may feel that his biological daughter is being treated like his sister and may continue to lie to her partner and child; your sister, who either felt the burden of carrying this secret or was left in the dark; and of course your daughter, who somewhere inside feels that something she can’t put a name to is happy.

Family secrets are felt even when they are not told: Many people who grew up in a family with family secrets say they always feel that something is not what it seems, which leads to a lack of complacency. People don’t realize that by trying to protect a child from whatever danger they think the truth will bring, they can make the child less protected than if they knew the truth.

You didn’t say why you decided it was time to tell the truth: Maybe you realized that one day your daughter might take a DNA test for fun, and you’d rather have her find out about you than the lab. report; you may feel that he or she should have a relevant medical history; Maybe you’ve just come to see how important it is for her to know the truth about who she is and for the whole family to finally live a real life. Whatever the reason, and however challenging this revelation may be, know that you are doing the right thing.

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In that context, how would you tell your daughter? First, tell the truth as simply and clearly as possible: We have something important to tell you and we wish we had told you sooner. When we wanted to have a child together, we found that it was impossible. We considered our options and decided to ask your brother to be our donor because we felt it would be safer and more desirable to choose someone who we know has your father’s DNA.

So apologize and take responsibility for not telling her the truth in the first place. Don’t make excuses or ask for her understanding; tell her that you can imagine how strange it is and that you are afraid of denying her the right to know where she comes from and who she is. If he asks why you’re keeping it a secret, tell him what you’re afraid of without defending or justifying your decision. Point out that if you could do it again, you would be honest from the start. Tell your daughter that she knows, so there are no secrets in the family. Make sure you know you cheated on her and it may take her some time to get it back. Tell her it shouldn’t be a secret, and since this is her story, encourage her to share it with someone she loves.

The key is to talk as little as possible and not talk about how you feel. Instead, talk to her about how she’s feeling and ask her what you can do to support her. She may feel anger, sadness, betrayal, happiness, or a combination of these, so it will take her some time to process the story. This is just the first step in an ongoing conversation, so be sure to let her know you’re happy to talk at any time. If she stops talking about it, you can approach her with caution at any time. If you know your husband doesn’t want to talk to her once the secret is out, seek advice from yourself so that your unhappiness doesn’t make your daughter hesitate to talk openly and honestly with both of you.

You should also tell your brother and any family members who know that you are divorcing your daughter and respect how she wants to handle her affair. Ask your daughter if she wants your support in talking to someone she knows like her brother, or if she wants to seek personal or family support (in either situation) to help her integrate this new information into her thinking and navigation. family dynamics. Meanwhile, she shows interest and sympathy as your brother won’t be happy to admit it when her relationship with her “sister” is kept secret. She reminds you that even if she was of age when you asked her to be your donor, she may not yet fully understand the consequences of being the father of someone who calls her her sister, and will be forced to lie.

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As you free your family from long-held secrets, you may feel less anxious about approaching your daughter if you remember that there will be many conversations to deal with, so no conversation will be perfect, and no matter how bad it is. , it’s what makes people feel safe and connected. You clearly love your daughter and we owe it to the people we love.

Dear Therapist, this is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified health provider if you have any questions about a medical condition. By submitting a report, you agree to allow Atlantic to use it in part or in whole, and we may edit it for length and/or clarity. The woman, identified as Lane, detailed how she knew that the man she knew as her father was not her father.

In several Tiktok posts, a woman who goes by @laneiscool14 said that in January a stranger sent her a DNA test from Ancestry saying she had relatives she didn’t know about.

When she felt uncomfortable about her disclosure, she @laneiscool14 said she was forced to bring the issue of her father to her mother, who admitted to having had “monogamous” sexual relations with a another man.

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She later took a test that showed that the man she had grown up knowing was her father was not her father.

Lane admits she was “shocked” when she saw this birth photo of her father and she realized how similar they were.

“About a year ago, on January 9th,

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